Now, where did I ever get this conviction that we all get to live to be 100 years old from? Where was I looking when people around me died unexpectedly from some accident or disease or even from something yet so trivial? Where was I and why did I shut off the part of my heart that was supposedly there for and aware of my fellow human beings? Where did I get that arrogance from, the arrogance that nothing would ever happen to my tribe? How on earth did I assume and was so certain that I would get to watch how healthy and happy my own babies would grow up and thrive falling in love, and having loving families, should they desire, of their own? How did I ever manage to push through that terrifying image of your lifeless body in a coffin which violently penetrated my day dreams all the while doctor after doctor told us “This is it”? How did I ever manage to replace it with this fabricated image of us, me, peacefully embraced by my loving man, your father, in our double sized coffin, eyes shut but smiling, in our white, hundred-year-old bodies, with you, your sister and friends all around, holding beautiful flower bouquets, saying goodbye to us? Oh, I hung on to that picture so forcefully. And I made-believe that I would make it happen. Was that plain foolishness? Was that despair? And what about that insistence on resisting uncomfortable emotions or so-called negative yet true facts around me? What on earth was I thinking?
Nobody is born with a certificate that says this is the amount of days you’ve got, so every single moment of every single day that passes is a gift, right? And so when your time’s up, you go, “oh, all right, that was what I got and not a minute more, let’s go now, it’s OK!” Even though we did cherish every moment. Oh how we cherished every single moment. So, I got six whole years, nine months, 22 days, 22 hours and 50 minutes with you. Ain’t that awesome! I feel so privileged… Do I miss you? Oh yes so much. Did I want more? Very much so. Even just a little bit? Yes... Please. But that has no ending. Because being close to you will never be too much, my longing for you and your presence will never end. My longing for our family complete with you will never die. Nor will my memories of you, nor will our relationship, nor will our love ever die or vanish, that’s for certain. I guess, I did get a certificate for that. And I keep watching all those NDEs* hoping to find answers. Searching for you. Because my mama mind still worries. Where are you? Are you safe? Are you happy? Are you having fun? Are you dancing there? Are you loved there, wherever you are, as much as you deserve it? Are you even anywhere? And, most of all.. Will we ever meet again in any way, shape or form? Will I ever get to kiss you again? Oh Love, how I pray for this last bit. And I hold onto that thought and I hang onto that certificate, the certificate of your love, which is unending. Because this is what it says that you, will always and forever live in our love, in our joy, in our awe and respect for each other, in our music, in our colors, in our sea, in every flying star that catches our gaze, in the arms of our tree, in the beauty we stare at each moment. The here and the now of us is your playground and we get to laugh a lot. Because in your passing through us, this is what you brought us. This is what you left behind, this is your greatest, most precious gift to, humbled now, us. True, sacred love. In our love you are still very much alive and will always be alive. With us and within our love, you, live. And in our daydreams, you come; wearing your Puss in Boots belt and shoes, devouring your plum, laughing and goofing around, just for us! Thank you so much, son…
*Near Death Experience
Kika Georgiou